Have you ever sat in the parking lot of the grocery store and just hoped and prayed that food would magically drop into the back seat of your car? Like, fully packed bags would come flying out those electric doors and in through my rear window? This idea is a weekly fantasy of mine.
In the world of things I like (or even tolerate) doing, going to the grocery store is not one of them.
I can think of 54 million reasons not to go for days on end. I can put it off over and over and over. And when things get too bad, I can still look like a domestic hero because, ladies and gentlemen, Panera Bread now delivers! Yes, it does, and the world is a happier and more beautiful place because of it. A “healthyish” dinner brought to my doorstep in 20 minutes.
But I have real issues with going to the store, and I want to take a moment to break down why I so passionately dislike such a simple and common task. I need to do a little self-analyzation.
This starts with an honest look at my grocery shopping experience earlier this week.
Step 1. Get in my car and drive and drive and drive the 1.6 miles to my local store.
Once arriving from my exhausting journey, I have to get out of the car, walk a very long way (because, of course, there are no close parking spots) and go inside. Already there is potential for blisters, pulled muscles or being struck by lightning (OK, it wasn’t raining, but it could have been).
Step 2. Enter store, ponder cart selection and begin the trudge through 783 aisles of food.
I carefully select foods that will probably go bad in my fridge but will make me look like a better mom (and human) should I run into anyone I know — I mean, come on, I know, and you know, we look in each other’s baskets. Food selection and aisle traveling should be listed as a cardio choice in a fitness app — walking, yoga, biking, grocery store. (I’ve never actually looked at a fitness app, but it would be awesome if it was in there.)
Step 3. Check out.
I give $4,987 to the checkout lady because healthy food that allows me to impress fellow shoppers also costs more than I earn each week. Granted, I am not making any money right now because deciding to write a book and leave your job does not pay well, yet.
Step 4. Load 52 58 lb bags (each) into my car.
Dodging cars, potholes, and stray lightning bolts, I return my shopping cart to the “cart return” 6.8 miles away.
Step 5. Drive the entire 1.6 miles back to my house and unload bags. Total estimated weight: 3,016 lbs.
This step MUST be accomplished in one trip. Load bags between both hands, forearms, and underarms. I am weak, I am a loser and a poor manager of time if I have to take more than one trip between my car and my house. I do everything in my power to avoid a second round.
Step 6. Unload items from my bags and put them away.
Important note: groceries multiply once they are taken out of the bags. If you purchase ten items, you will put 23 items on your counter — and each one needs to be put away. Every place I look is full. I rearrange my fridge, cabinets, and drawers to accommodate everything.
Step 7. Sit and relax, basking in the knowledge that I accomplished something great today.
Step 8. Basking ceases as my child walks in and asks for only items I did not purchase. As always, these are items I was asked to buy but forgot about.
Step 9. Cry, try to bribe the 11-year-old child to take the car because I just can not do all of that again. Child declines and the nightmare continues. It is a vicious circle.
Or is it?
I hope you can hear my heart on this: grocery shopping is grueling and exhausting. It’s never made me feel like a better woman for having done it, and not once have I felt any joy from a grocery store. Which is why my world changed a little 56 hours and 22 minutes ago…
That is when Kali Brigham told me that I could order online and they will DELIVER MY GROCERIES to my house! I know you big city folks have had this service for a while, but we have not.
In the lineup of BEST NEWS EVER this was right below “Jesus Saves Lives.”
Jesus loves me, and my groceries will be delivered … can life get any better?
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